I couldn’t take it anymore. Last night my heart broke into pieces for this world. Tears poured out of my eyes and there was no use in trying to stop. I don’t think I could have stopped even if I wanted. Something inside of me awakened, and I had no choice but to cry and scream out to God. “God, how do you stand it? If I feel this incredible pain and deep disgust with the way this world is, how much more do you feel? Please, please Lord, what can I do?” This heart break was triggered from watching a portion of The Pianist, a movie depicting the realities of the Holocaust. After 40 minutes I began crying uncontrollably. I asked my friend to turn it off. I had seen enough. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and my stomach was twisting in knots. The horrors of those images burned in my mind like hot coals. How could such extreme hate exist? What power came over people to make them think that lives are indispensable? The confusion, sorrow, and anger I felt was indescribable and so strong. You may say, “Lindsey, it is just a movie,” but it isn’t just a movie. Genocide and hatred are not a thing of the past. To tell me that what I saw is “just a movie” makes me angry because it simply isn’t true.
How is it that we have become so desensitized? It is so bizarre to me that our culture craves movies that evoke strong emotions and inspiration, like an addict craves his next fix, but in actuality we don’t feel anything. We want to experience emotion because it reminds us we are alive, but our emotions are often in vain. We consume emotions and think that their purpose is to make us feel, but there purpose is to make us act. Emotions, when surrendered to Jesus Christ, are a way for us to connect to Him and His Holy Spirit. Emotions move us to action. My question is, “Where is the action? Where is the change?” We are either numb to emotions all together and have fallen into the sin of apathy, or we are addicted to feelings and “feel” is all we ever do.
Anger is just one way to express heart break and that is where I find myself in this moment. I wish my tears could anoint the soil we walk on and heal the ground. I wish my arms were big enough to wrap around all the hurting people and assure them of hope. I wish I was brave enough to look into the eyes of the hurting and into the eyes of my enemies and truly love. Last night while I was driving home, I wondered how I have contributed to the love in this world, and then I reluctantly wondered how I have contributed to the hate. I am so incredibly thankful for God’s absolute grace. Thank you, God, for the promise of life through your grace, Jesus Christ. You are the Savior, not me. Amen.
Perhaps the most awful and wonderful realization I came to last night was that I am selfish. No one likes to be told or recognize that they are selfish, so it was awful. However, in a sense, it was wonderful to identify and I thanked God for those moments of clarity. Why would I want to be oblivious to the ways in which I’m contributing to our fallen world if being aware means changing for the better? I can have no other response but joy when I see my shortcomings because I know that is when I have a choice to surrender and watch God’s redemption unfold.
Another self discovery was that I do not have a solid grasp on love. Paul, who wrote most of the new testament and was transformed radically by the power of love through Jesus, wrote, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
Wow . . . honesty says that I have fallen short of love. Here is the deal, people look at my life and see a life of service. I have been told time and time again that I am doing great things for the Kingdom and that my heart for service is commendable and beautiful. Those things are encouraging, but what does God say about my heart? “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 Where is my heart? My heart has been craving glory, self-indulgence, and approval. I am not saying it is always like that, but there are definitely seasons where that has been the case.
Bottom line, I want to love and in order to do that I must be filled with it too. I do not want to contribute to the hate and disconnect in this world any longer. God, may you continue breaking our hearts so that we can step out of our own way, step out of our selfishness, and experience the love you have been lavishing upon us. May our emotions move us to action, may our apathy move us to your throne, and may all of these things lead us to Love.
Amen.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
I Like Fruit
If there is one thing that brings me great joy in life over everything else it is learning. Whether it is in the classroom, through an experience, or through relationships, I soak up all I can. This has gotten me called a nerd in the past, but who cares! All joking aside, learning is the spice of life. Learning how to live, who to be, and who to live for is really exciting, especially if you have a Good Teacher. While all of the things I just said are completely true, there is another truth in my life that sits just beneath the surface. It is so subtle that it took me a while to recognize it. Allow me to explain.
I believe God gave me a deep desire to learn and grow, and in return, share those lessons with others in creative and practical ways. I find immense purpose and joy in sharing about Jesus and how He is changing me. I find purpose in this because I know in sharing my struggles, sins, pains, and weaknesses, someone else will find the freedom to do the same. As a result, how can Satan have any power over us through shame and guilt? The deepest shame and most hidden secrets are brought to light, and we suddenly realize that they do not have power in the light like they did in the dark. Confession paired with the will to change through grace equals freedom in Christ. Satan’s power is diminished all because we are not ashamed to learn and grow out loud. Interestingly enough, today in my daily devotions I realized that each time I learn something about myself that needs to be refined or redeemed, I feel the pang of guilt and then I focus on it. I think, “Oh my goodness, how could I have this sin in my life after all this time? How could I still be giving in to self indulgence and pride?” Then, instead of rejoicing in the fact that God loves me enough to instruct me, I feel the weight of self pity settle on my shoulders the way dust settles on the top of a shelf. Be warned that self pity is the complete opposite of gratitude and it will absolutely destroy you. It will escalade the inevitable guilt we feel when we realize we are wrong, and it will distract us from our growth in Christ. We must remember that there is no condemnation in Christ and that His instruction is meant to give us life! I’m not saying all guilt is bad because we should feel guilt if we’ve done something wrong, but it isn’t designed to stay with us. Guilt is designed to guide us to grace. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.” Romans 8:1-3
Today the Holy Spirit taught me that I have not fully grasped the truth in these verses. Satan is trying to deceive me. He wants me to feel crippled by God’s loving rebukes, so that I can crawl into self-pity feeling alone and defeated; away from God’s protection. Satan discretely laces the heaviest of chains into the most joyful places of my heart, so I might forget that learning is a process. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6-8 I have been made alert today, and I am thankful.
God does not expect me, or you, to know everything the moment we ask Him to guide our lives. He wants us to enjoy the learning process and receive hope from His loving instruction. Yes, we will feel pain, but let’s be real here for a second. We both know that neither of us can truly grow to be like Christ if we don’t acknowledge and get rid of our sin. Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2 Pruning hurts. Learning hurts. The result is sweet goodness from fruit in our lives, and I like fruit. I pray that as you read the Word today, God will continue to teach you and give you the courage to share with others. I will continue to do the same.
He Loves You,
Lindsey
I believe God gave me a deep desire to learn and grow, and in return, share those lessons with others in creative and practical ways. I find immense purpose and joy in sharing about Jesus and how He is changing me. I find purpose in this because I know in sharing my struggles, sins, pains, and weaknesses, someone else will find the freedom to do the same. As a result, how can Satan have any power over us through shame and guilt? The deepest shame and most hidden secrets are brought to light, and we suddenly realize that they do not have power in the light like they did in the dark. Confession paired with the will to change through grace equals freedom in Christ. Satan’s power is diminished all because we are not ashamed to learn and grow out loud. Interestingly enough, today in my daily devotions I realized that each time I learn something about myself that needs to be refined or redeemed, I feel the pang of guilt and then I focus on it. I think, “Oh my goodness, how could I have this sin in my life after all this time? How could I still be giving in to self indulgence and pride?” Then, instead of rejoicing in the fact that God loves me enough to instruct me, I feel the weight of self pity settle on my shoulders the way dust settles on the top of a shelf. Be warned that self pity is the complete opposite of gratitude and it will absolutely destroy you. It will escalade the inevitable guilt we feel when we realize we are wrong, and it will distract us from our growth in Christ. We must remember that there is no condemnation in Christ and that His instruction is meant to give us life! I’m not saying all guilt is bad because we should feel guilt if we’ve done something wrong, but it isn’t designed to stay with us. Guilt is designed to guide us to grace. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.” Romans 8:1-3
Today the Holy Spirit taught me that I have not fully grasped the truth in these verses. Satan is trying to deceive me. He wants me to feel crippled by God’s loving rebukes, so that I can crawl into self-pity feeling alone and defeated; away from God’s protection. Satan discretely laces the heaviest of chains into the most joyful places of my heart, so I might forget that learning is a process. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6-8 I have been made alert today, and I am thankful.
God does not expect me, or you, to know everything the moment we ask Him to guide our lives. He wants us to enjoy the learning process and receive hope from His loving instruction. Yes, we will feel pain, but let’s be real here for a second. We both know that neither of us can truly grow to be like Christ if we don’t acknowledge and get rid of our sin. Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2 Pruning hurts. Learning hurts. The result is sweet goodness from fruit in our lives, and I like fruit. I pray that as you read the Word today, God will continue to teach you and give you the courage to share with others. I will continue to do the same.
He Loves You,
Lindsey
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