Broken Heart

I couldn’t take it anymore. Last night my heart broke into pieces for this world. Tears poured out of my eyes and there was no use in trying to stop. I don’t think I could have stopped even if I wanted. Something inside of me awakened, and I had no choice but to cry and scream out to God. “God, how do you stand it? If I feel this incredible pain and deep disgust with the way this world is, how much more do you feel? Please, please Lord, what can I do?” This heart break was triggered from watching a portion of The Pianist, a movie depicting the realities of the Holocaust. After 40 minutes I began crying uncontrollably. I asked my friend to turn it off. I had seen enough. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and my stomach was twisting in knots. The horrors of those images burned in my mind like hot coals. How could such extreme hate exist? What power came over people to make them think that lives are indispensable? The confusion, sorrow, and anger I felt was indescribable and so strong. You may say, “Lindsey, it is just a movie,” but it isn’t just a movie. Genocide and hatred are not a thing of the past. To tell me that what I saw is “just a movie” makes me angry because it simply isn’t true.

How is it that we have become so desensitized? It is so bizarre to me that our culture craves movies that evoke strong emotions and inspiration, like an addict craves his next fix, but in actuality we don’t feel anything. We want to experience emotion because it reminds us we are alive, but our emotions are often in vain. We consume emotions and think that their purpose is to make us feel, but there purpose is to make us act. Emotions, when surrendered to Jesus Christ, are a way for us to connect to Him and His Holy Spirit. Emotions move us to action. My question is, “Where is the action? Where is the change?” We are either numb to emotions all together and have fallen into the sin of apathy, or we are addicted to feelings and “feel” is all we ever do.

Anger is just one way to express heart break and that is where I find myself in this moment. I wish my tears could anoint the soil we walk on and heal the ground. I wish my arms were big enough to wrap around all the hurting people and assure them of hope. I wish I was brave enough to look into the eyes of the hurting and into the eyes of my enemies and truly love. Last night while I was driving home, I wondered how I have contributed to the love in this world, and then I reluctantly wondered how I have contributed to the hate. I am so incredibly thankful for God’s absolute grace. Thank you, God, for the promise of life through your grace, Jesus Christ. You are the Savior, not me. Amen.

Perhaps the most awful and wonderful realization I came to last night was that I am selfish. No one likes to be told or recognize that they are selfish, so it was awful. However, in a sense, it was wonderful to identify and I thanked God for those moments of clarity. Why would I want to be oblivious to the ways in which I’m contributing to our fallen world if being aware means changing for the better? I can have no other response but joy when I see my shortcomings because I know that is when I have a choice to surrender and watch God’s redemption unfold.

Another self discovery was that I do not have a solid grasp on love. Paul, who wrote most of the new testament and was transformed radically by the power of love through Jesus, wrote, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Wow . . . honesty says that I have fallen short of love. Here is the deal, people look at my life and see a life of service. I have been told time and time again that I am doing great things for the Kingdom and that my heart for service is commendable and beautiful. Those things are encouraging, but what does God say about my heart? “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 Where is my heart? My heart has been craving glory, self-indulgence, and approval. I am not saying it is always like that, but there are definitely seasons where that has been the case.

Bottom line, I want to love and in order to do that I must be filled with it too. I do not want to contribute to the hate and disconnect in this world any longer. God, may you continue breaking our hearts so that we can step out of our own way, step out of our selfishness, and experience the love you have been lavishing upon us. May our emotions move us to action, may our apathy move us to your throne, and may all of these things lead us to Love.

Amen.