Broken Heart

I couldn’t take it anymore. Last night my heart broke into pieces for this world. Tears poured out of my eyes and there was no use in trying to stop. I don’t think I could have stopped even if I wanted. Something inside of me awakened, and I had no choice but to cry and scream out to God. “God, how do you stand it? If I feel this incredible pain and deep disgust with the way this world is, how much more do you feel? Please, please Lord, what can I do?” This heart break was triggered from watching a portion of The Pianist, a movie depicting the realities of the Holocaust. After 40 minutes I began crying uncontrollably. I asked my friend to turn it off. I had seen enough. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and my stomach was twisting in knots. The horrors of those images burned in my mind like hot coals. How could such extreme hate exist? What power came over people to make them think that lives are indispensable? The confusion, sorrow, and anger I felt was indescribable and so strong. You may say, “Lindsey, it is just a movie,” but it isn’t just a movie. Genocide and hatred are not a thing of the past. To tell me that what I saw is “just a movie” makes me angry because it simply isn’t true.

How is it that we have become so desensitized? It is so bizarre to me that our culture craves movies that evoke strong emotions and inspiration, like an addict craves his next fix, but in actuality we don’t feel anything. We want to experience emotion because it reminds us we are alive, but our emotions are often in vain. We consume emotions and think that their purpose is to make us feel, but there purpose is to make us act. Emotions, when surrendered to Jesus Christ, are a way for us to connect to Him and His Holy Spirit. Emotions move us to action. My question is, “Where is the action? Where is the change?” We are either numb to emotions all together and have fallen into the sin of apathy, or we are addicted to feelings and “feel” is all we ever do.

Anger is just one way to express heart break and that is where I find myself in this moment. I wish my tears could anoint the soil we walk on and heal the ground. I wish my arms were big enough to wrap around all the hurting people and assure them of hope. I wish I was brave enough to look into the eyes of the hurting and into the eyes of my enemies and truly love. Last night while I was driving home, I wondered how I have contributed to the love in this world, and then I reluctantly wondered how I have contributed to the hate. I am so incredibly thankful for God’s absolute grace. Thank you, God, for the promise of life through your grace, Jesus Christ. You are the Savior, not me. Amen.

Perhaps the most awful and wonderful realization I came to last night was that I am selfish. No one likes to be told or recognize that they are selfish, so it was awful. However, in a sense, it was wonderful to identify and I thanked God for those moments of clarity. Why would I want to be oblivious to the ways in which I’m contributing to our fallen world if being aware means changing for the better? I can have no other response but joy when I see my shortcomings because I know that is when I have a choice to surrender and watch God’s redemption unfold.

Another self discovery was that I do not have a solid grasp on love. Paul, who wrote most of the new testament and was transformed radically by the power of love through Jesus, wrote, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Wow . . . honesty says that I have fallen short of love. Here is the deal, people look at my life and see a life of service. I have been told time and time again that I am doing great things for the Kingdom and that my heart for service is commendable and beautiful. Those things are encouraging, but what does God say about my heart? “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 Where is my heart? My heart has been craving glory, self-indulgence, and approval. I am not saying it is always like that, but there are definitely seasons where that has been the case.

Bottom line, I want to love and in order to do that I must be filled with it too. I do not want to contribute to the hate and disconnect in this world any longer. God, may you continue breaking our hearts so that we can step out of our own way, step out of our selfishness, and experience the love you have been lavishing upon us. May our emotions move us to action, may our apathy move us to your throne, and may all of these things lead us to Love.

Amen.

I Like Fruit

If there is one thing that brings me great joy in life over everything else it is learning. Whether it is in the classroom, through an experience, or through relationships, I soak up all I can. This has gotten me called a nerd in the past, but who cares! All joking aside, learning is the spice of life. Learning how to live, who to be, and who to live for is really exciting, especially if you have a Good Teacher. While all of the things I just said are completely true, there is another truth in my life that sits just beneath the surface. It is so subtle that it took me a while to recognize it. Allow me to explain.

I believe God gave me a deep desire to learn and grow, and in return, share those lessons with others in creative and practical ways. I find immense purpose and joy in sharing about Jesus and how He is changing me. I find purpose in this because I know in sharing my struggles, sins, pains, and weaknesses, someone else will find the freedom to do the same. As a result, how can Satan have any power over us through shame and guilt? The deepest shame and most hidden secrets are brought to light, and we suddenly realize that they do not have power in the light like they did in the dark. Confession paired with the will to change through grace equals freedom in Christ. Satan’s power is diminished all because we are not ashamed to learn and grow out loud. Interestingly enough, today in my daily devotions I realized that each time I learn something about myself that needs to be refined or redeemed, I feel the pang of guilt and then I focus on it. I think, “Oh my goodness, how could I have this sin in my life after all this time? How could I still be giving in to self indulgence and pride?” Then, instead of rejoicing in the fact that God loves me enough to instruct me, I feel the weight of self pity settle on my shoulders the way dust settles on the top of a shelf. Be warned that self pity is the complete opposite of gratitude and it will absolutely destroy you. It will escalade the inevitable guilt we feel when we realize we are wrong, and it will distract us from our growth in Christ. We must remember that there is no condemnation in Christ and that His instruction is meant to give us life! I’m not saying all guilt is bad because we should feel guilt if we’ve done something wrong, but it isn’t designed to stay with us. Guilt is designed to guide us to grace. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.” Romans 8:1-3

Today the Holy Spirit taught me that I have not fully grasped the truth in these verses. Satan is trying to deceive me. He wants me to feel crippled by God’s loving rebukes, so that I can crawl into self-pity feeling alone and defeated; away from God’s protection. Satan discretely laces the heaviest of chains into the most joyful places of my heart, so I might forget that learning is a process. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6-8 I have been made alert today, and I am thankful.

God does not expect me, or you, to know everything the moment we ask Him to guide our lives. He wants us to enjoy the learning process and receive hope from His loving instruction. Yes, we will feel pain, but let’s be real here for a second. We both know that neither of us can truly grow to be like Christ if we don’t acknowledge and get rid of our sin. Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2 Pruning hurts. Learning hurts. The result is sweet goodness from fruit in our lives, and I like fruit. I pray that as you read the Word today, God will continue to teach you and give you the courage to share with others. I will continue to do the same.

He Loves You,

Lindsey

Living with Anticipation

It has been a while since I’ve written a new blog. It isn’t for lack of inspiration or thought, but because I have too many thoughts! In these next few paragraphs I want to proclaim the reasons my soul celebrates today. Ironically, most of the reasons to rejoice blossomed from struggle, pain, and sorrow. I am learning that in order for my heart to truly know joy, I must experience sorrow and embrace it. God hold us in the dark times, so we come out of it looking more like you.

First, we just celebrated and continue to celebrate the most incredible and awe inspiring season of all time. Easter! We now can be reconciled to God through His Son Jesus Christ, and not only have life, but have it abundantly! We can know and experience grace through a relationship with the Creator God and find liberty from our selfishness. Can I get an AMEN? Amen. The expectancy of Easter‘s promise makes my heart glad and I pray that I can live in its truth all year long. Plus, I got to spend time laughing and worshipping with my amazing family. =0) The anticipation of Easter. . .

Second, I am moving to Kentucky in June. Yes, Kentucky! I will be completing a graduate program to receive my Masters in Social Work from Asbury University. No, I don’t know what I want to do with the degree. No, I don’t know anyone in Kentucky. Yes, I will be living on student loans, again. Yes, I am excited and yes, I am insecure all at the same time. I decided just to answer the questions I know you might be thinking. The anticipation of adventure. . .

Third, I am enjoying the company and conversation of a new and unexpected person in my life. I have been encouraged, I have been challenged, and I have been happy. Don’t you just love how God blesses you through people?! His design for relationship and community is an incredible gift. The anticipation of relationship . . .

Fourth, I am hearing God say through His Word and through His people to not bury my talents just because I don’t know what to do with them, or because I'm not "the best." Oswald Chambers says, “We must never measure our spiritual capacity on the basis of our education or our intellect; our capacity in spiritual things is measured on the basis of the promises of God. . . When it is a question of God’s Almighty Spirit, never say, ‘I can’t.’ Never allow the limitation of your own natural ability to enter into the matter. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be exhibited in us.” Just as we have a spirit of anticipation and expectancy through Christ, God Himself expects to display His power through His children. Wow. . . wow is all I can say to that. I encourage you to read Matthew 25:14-30 and dig deep into how God desires to use your talents. Are we putting limitations on what God can do through us because we ourselves are limited? “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 He is God of all and He is everything. He has no limitations. The anticipation of the Holy Spirit. . .

Fifth, and final for now, I joyfully exclaim that I am finding sweet freedom from something that has had a grip on my life for the past year and a half. I cannot go into great detail in order to respect others, but I can say with confidence that God’s grace and healing power is true and real. I am FREE from lies. I am FREE from self pity! I have been rescued from something that was made to destroy and God has made it into something good. Oh how I pray that you find the same freedom from what holds on tight to you and whispers lies into your heart. Believe the truth, and the truth is that Jesus Christ is the Way. “I [Jesus] am the Way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6 The anticipation of FREEDOM. . .

Anticipation and excitement build as I praise God in the present and hope for God for the future. May you walk in faith as you love God and love people.

Love,
Lindsey

The Power of Grace

I find it both amazing and frustrating when the Holy Spirit reveals the meaning of His promises. I find it amazing because it is confirmation that God is truthful when He says He wants to bring me life. Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10) I find it frustrating, because when the Holy Spirit gives new insight into an old subject, the only words I have to describe the revelation are words that have been used over and over again from others. I want to be able to explain things differently so that people hear truth, and not clichés. These next thoughts are my attempt to do just that, emphasis on attempt.

My hope through this post is to bring direct glory and praise to God, and inspire you to seek a relationship with Him beyond religious practices. You see, the only way to grow in Christ is to have a relationship with Him. Yeah, I know . . . this is a Christian cliché, but it shouldn’t be because it is something I am learning to be truer with each passing breath. For example, I have been practicing the religion of Christianity for 23 years and it has done nothing for me except make me a class act citizen and moral human being. Do not misunderstand this statement. I am incredibly grateful for my Christian upbringing because it has paved a path to learn about God through His people and His Word, but while religion may have changed me, it has not transformed me. It is my relationship with Christ that has cast out fear, defeated strongholds, and helped me crawl out of self pity and self loathing. It is my relationship with Christ that has peeled scales of ignorance off of my eyes and expanded my worldview, and it is my relationship with Christ that has given me insights from the Holy Spirit. I would like to share with you my most recent insight.

Grace is a small word with big meaning. One year ago I became awakened to the fact that I was familiar with the concept of grace, but the power of grace was something I had not yet accepted. How could this be when I grew up hearing about grace my entire life? After evaluating this new awakening, I was certain that I hadn’t accepted grace because I was still swallowed by shame and guilt. I didn’t feel the freedom of which people spoke. This came as a shock to me because I thought I had accepted grace. I thought learning about Christ’s death on the cross and asking Him to come into my life meant I had accepted it. Isn’t that all I had to do? Why was I still feeling chained by the past? To put it simply, I misinterpreted the word “acceptance” in this case. I had accepted a concept, but I hadn’t yet allowed grace to be personal. How do you accept something like this on a personal level? I was so confused.

I’ve been praying for almost a year that God would teach me about grace and teach me how to accept it. I believe I began to feel the power of grace when I comprehended that it could only be accepted through honesty with others and confession before God. The only way I was able to comprehend this was through spending intentional time with God in prayer, reading His Word, and discussing this with trusted family and friends.

Side note: When I think of the word “confession” I automatically think of shame and guilt. Maybe it is because those things have always been my motivation to confess. However, the Holy Spirit has been revealing to me that belief in God’s unconditional love means my motivation to confess is no longer guilt or shame. It hit me that one of the reasons I was living outside of His freedom was because I didn’t completely trust in His promises. It takes a lot of faith to believe that God’s love is unconditional when we live in a conditional world.

Getting back on track, grace can only be accepted through the belief that honest confession before God results in abundant life and love in Him. “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)There isn’t a formula to solve in order to come to this understanding. Honestly, I am only scratching the surface of understanding and I will never claim to know everything. I have much to learn, but the difference is that now I am excited to learn! I am being taught that surrendering to God means throwing off my shame, watching it dissolve, and exploding with joy to give God glory! I encourage you to pray through the clichés and look into the truth. God is full of grace, and He wants you to accept it. You can accept it and you can be free!

I pray these words and my journey offer some sort of help or insight into your own walk with God. Above all, turn to the Word and a trusted Christian figure in your life to begin seeking what it is God is longing to tell you. I can say with confidence that you may be challenged by what He has to tell you, but you will not be disappointed.

Love,
Lindsey

A Renewed Mind: Choosing the Consequences of Honesty

This blog is a continued look into how God is renewing my mind and transforming my heart. A few weeks ago I was convicted to choose gratitude in times of worry and stress. It is easy for me to go on a downward spiral of negativity, and I knew that kind of thinking was only perpetuating my anxiety as opposed to defusing it. I have begun to see small changes in my thinking, and I am learning the meaning of grace and humility.

Now I am hearing God whisper that it is time for me to embrace honesty in its entirety. Some background information: I am anticipating major life transitions with a mixture of excitement and fear. As always, transition brings change, and change brings decisions. I am feeling enormous pressure to make solid decisions in a limited time frame, and that is completely overwhelming me. This Sunday I was fervently praying that God would give me guidance. I heard Him say, “You must not be afraid of the consequences of honesty. I have called you to a life of purpose through Me, and you must walk in complete honesty with Me, yourself, and others. No matter what circumstances turn out to be, I am your Solid Rock.” My heart then kept hearing God whisper, “I am your Solid Rock. Nothing can separate you from me. Do not fear. I am your Solid Rock. Your Solid Rock. Solid Rock. . ."

When I say “honesty” I am talking about a deep rooted vulnerable honesty within myself. I am speaking of honesty that does not tolerate fear, values expressing itself, and shares from the heart. I am speaking of honesty that is less concerned with “being right” and more concerned about being alive. I want to be honest no matter what the consequences, because feeling the consequences means being alive in Christ! Feeling the consequences of honesty means allowing God to move me, teach me, guide me, and hold me. Also, feeling the consequences of honesty helps deepen relationships through reconciliation. It strengthens our understanding of ourselves and others.

I pray that as you quiet your soul before God today, you feel the Holy Spirit move you towards vulnerable honesty with Him. Below are some Scriptures that have helped guide me in these thoughts. I hope I have expressed myself well enough to bring encouragement to those who need it. Remember, God is our Solid Rock and will be with us always.

Encouragement from The Word:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8: 28

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10

A Tribute to Grandpa Marler

Today is an important day in the Marler Family. It is the 1 year anniversary that our precious Luther Marler went home to be with Jesus. Luther was a dad, husband, friend, story teller, provider, and WWII veteran. To me, and to eight others, he was simply grandpa. He was also hilarious. The last time I talked with him before he died, he called me his “little sugar lump peach pie.” Oh grandpa . . . only he could refer to me as a “lump” and it be endearing.

March 7th 2010, on this side of heaven, was a day I wish would fade from my memory. My parents and sisters and I were on our way to Chicago to visit grandpa. He had recently been diagnosed with cancer and we wanted to visit him to bring laughter and encouragement. We were an hour away from his home when we got a call that he was in the hospital and had just passed away. Silence. Shock. Sorrow. Disbelief. The planned visit of laughter and encouragement turned into days of sadness and tears.

But I am not writing to share my side of the story. March 7th 2010, on the other side of heaven, was a day I wish I could get a glimpse of and lock into my memory. That was the day grandpa’s cancer was gone, his eye sight returned, his youth was restored, and he was in the presence of God. Grandpa just couldn’t wait one more hour to get to heaven! Wonder. Awe. Grace. Complete Belief. March 7th was not an end, but a glorious beginning.

So Happy Birthday grandpa! Today is a day to celebrate your first birthday as your new self. I’m sure this first birthday trumps any birthday you had here on earth, even though we did our best to make them special for you.

Grandpa, I have a confession. Sometimes, living in this world, it is hard to believe that heaven really exists. Could an Almighty Creator God really have compassion on me and invite me into His presence for eternity? I asked myself this question today as I stared out my window into the gray, rainy sky. Then, I remembered the time I was flying to Boston this September over a rain storm. I was amazed because as the plane flew over dark rain clouds we were surrounded by brilliant sunshine. The scene was truly breathtaking. I found it fascinating that the people on the ground could not see the sun through the clouds, but I was squinting from its bright yellow light.

Well, today I’m on the ground and all I see are the gray clouds, but I know the sun is shining right above them. I have seen and felt the sun before, and I will see it and feel its warmth again soon. I have not entered into heaven, but I have known God’s presence here on earth, and He reassures me of His faithful promise to bring me into His Kingdom once my work here on earth is finished. I have hope knowing the other side of heaven is just beyond the gray clouds.

I miss you grandpa. Today my mind is busy remembering you and the legacy of love, generosity, humor, and story telling you left behind. I will see you again. Until that day, you will always be my little sugar lump.

Love,
Lindsey

A Renewed Mind: Choosing Gratitude

As you may know, I have recently been enlightened by a very familiar, but crucial group of verses regarding the renewing and transformation of the mind. You can read my thoughts a few blogs back if you wish. The conviction to change my mind’s thought patterns came from Romans 12. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Of course as soon as I decide to focus in on this next phase of growth, I am tempted beyond belief to stay in the pit of my old ways. I feel like I am trapped inside of my own head and I am beginning to realize how much I really do need a mind transformation. The excitement of knowing God’s next step in my Spiritual development pushed out my old thought patterns for a moment, but they quickly reappeared when I came off the mountain top and realized this difficult road ahead.

It seems so strange to me that the very thought patterns I’m trying to get rid of are the barriers keeping me from going forward in this transformation. Example: I am the definition of a Negative Nancy or a Stressed-out Susan. (I made that Susan one up myself.) Whenever I am faced with a new challenge, I instantly tense up and think about every way I am unqualified to even try. I worry about the future, I worry about the present, I worry about what happened in the past, and I stress out that I worry too much. I doubt. I question. I over analyze. I decide something is too overwhelming before I even know the details. On top of it all, I am insecure.

Here I am, bombarded with opportunities to practice a more positive mindset and I am not doing it, or not doing it well. Maybe I feel guilty because having this many opportunities means I need to change A LOT. Maybe I’m still hanging onto an old companion named impatience. Sigh…I’m just typing unfiltered thoughts now.

I think I have a start to a solution. This solution will take much practice for me, but I would rather do that than be stuck in my old ways. I’m going to start by being thankful. I am thankful, but not intentionally thankful. I have a friend remind me of the power of gratitude today and right after that reminder, another friend emailed me this poem below. My mind then turned to Philippians 4:6 which says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It seems to me that this verse is saying when we pray with a Spirit of gratitude, God’s peace will guard our minds from the ugly stronghold of anxiety. Another sigh. . . it is time I practice a little more gratitude to change this attitude!

Be Thankful For
Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.
~Author Unknown