Holy cow...this year has been a doozie. I've been reflecting on the past year and I feel like I've experienced a whole-lot-0-stress in this short 365 day period. It seems more like 3,650,000 days. I've experienced great change through graduating college, beginning an intense new job, family getting married, sickness taking over my body and mind, tension in relationships, the end of what I thought would be a "forever" relationship, and the death of my precious grandpa to mention a few. I'm surprised I am not out of tears.
In the midst of all the sickness, despair, death, and change I have been crying out to God and asking Him to make me more into His likeness. More of You and less of me, God. I've also been crying out in confusion. "God, when will it end? Why do I feel like the world is out to crush my spirit? I want to put my trust in you but it is hard, and I want to replace this burning anger with joy. I'm not sure I've known a moment without fear in so long."
Nights have been the worst. It is when I'm lying alone in my bed that lies from the Great Deceiver begin invading my thoughts.
LIES:
"You will always be alone."
"Why would anyone want to be with you when you don't even know who you are. You can't let people in until you get a grip."
"Just stop trying. You have nothing important to say. You are stupid and too much of a burden for anyone to care."
"You aren't really making a difference at The Christian Center. You are lazy and they deserve to have someone better in your position."
"Everyone you love will either leave you or die. Close your heart because you aren't strong enough to take that kind of pain again."
There have been many nights where my tears became like a blanket covering my body. As much as I wanted to surrender and believe those lies, I could feel this tug of war within my mind. I could sense God saying to me, "Enough. I know who you are. You are my Child. You are not alone. I've been with you this entire time and I'm sick of the Deceiver tricking you into these lies. Linds, it is going to hurt getting you away from His grip, but it is time. I have plans for you and nothing can be done when those lies are staining your thoughts. I am love and love is the opposite of fear. Trust me with your heart. I want you to sleep well my little girl."
How He loves me. How He loves us. I've realized this year that the tug of war over my life didn't begin last April. The war began long before I took my first breath. Letting go of insecurity and lies and sin has been more painful than the sickness. There are times when this Spiritual transformation seems like the death of me. And it is the death of me. It is the death of me and the start of new life in Christ. He has been my hope, my prayer, my next breath…He is my everything and I can say with all my heart that I don’t know what I would do without His love. The only reason I’m not eating tons of junk food while watching Ever After over and over again to escape into someone else’s love story is because I am living in my own story. He is the author of life and I will choose, even in the midst of the chaos, for Him to take the pen from my hands and write something beautiful. These verses below have been my strength. I hope you draw strength from them like I have this year. God loves you. I might not know the exact situation(s) you are going through, but I can tell you that HE LOVES YOU.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. . . Therefore WE DO NOT LOSE HEART. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 & 16-18
thank you lindsey :)
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