It has been a while, a long while, since I’ve shared my heart on this blog. My last blog was right before I began my first and last year of grad school. That is right friends! I am cramming a 2-3 year Masters of Social Work Program into 1 year. Needless to say, I have been doing a lot of writing, but it has been in the form of APA style research papers. Sometimes I feel crazy for doing this, but most of the time I feel humbled. It was strange how at peace I was to leave a job, friends, and a church I adored to explore this next chapter of life. I am certain God’s hand has been, and continues to pave the way, for learning.
I came to Asbury University to further my social work education and to learn more about Jesus along the way. It seemed like a great plan. There were a few minor hiccups along the way, but for the most part everything worked out well to get down here. I got lucky with a great roommate, wonderful classmates who quickly became friends, intelligent professors, and the beautiful Kentucky landscape. (I even got to bring my cat, Stinky! For those of you who don’t know, I named my cat Stinky which is another blog in itself.) I came to Asbury to learn and to figure out life. Ha! Figure out life!?
Since I have been here God has been wrecking me. Absolutely destroying me actually. It has been undeniably necessary for God to humble me so that I would sincerely find Him and experience healing from my secrets. I knew I had a lot to learn, but I have quickly realized that I will not find worth in knowledge. I will not find self-validation in perfect grades. I will not find acceptance in service and good works alone. It is only by GRACE that I live and breathe. It is ONLY by the Grace of Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God that I find restoration and hope for myself and for this world. He has chosen to humble me by convicting me to confess my deepest sins, not only to Him, but to the people closest to me as well. “Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. . . If he has sinned, he WILL be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:13 & 15-16
Jesus said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Never will you feel more humbled and weak as to when you are confessing that “hush hush sin” to God, and to a trusted friend, but never will you feel more free. My hands shook, my throat went dry, and I wanted to hide my face. I wanted to shrivel up and die. I couldn’t believe I was sharing my secret shame and guilt, sharing the past I always swore to keep stuffed down inside of me. I was verbally acknowledging and admitting my detestable secrets to another person! I thought, “Will I be accepted? Will I still be beautiful? Will my life of following Jesus be irrelevant to others now that I have made known these secrets? Will they see me as a liar and a hypocrite?” But, as I spoke those words that described my darkest shame, a flood of truth and grace poured over my body and anointed me. I was exposing the ugly truth, but instead of dying, the healing power of Jesus breathed new life into me. My trusted friend, who also happens to be my wonderful boyfriend Matthew, looked at me and said, “You are still and will always be the most beautiful woman I have known on both the outside and most importantly the inside. This doesn’t change the way I see you. I love you.” As my devoted Matthew spoke those words of grace to me I sensed Jesus saying, “If another human can extend grace and love, how much more am I reaching out to you? I love you. Come to me.” Jesus says in the Bible, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11
With tears of joy and humility I ran. I ran to Him. I am running to Him. He has loved me into His arms, and I am never turning back. I am so thankful God has called me to this place to prepare my heart for Him in these humbling days. If you are longing for freedom from that dark place of shame in your heart, it is available. Find a trusted friend who walks with the Lord and share with them your entire heart. The good, the bad, the ugly. Confession of my sins to God and fellow believers has wrecked me, but with the purpose of being put back together so I can FINALLY be whole. I promise you it is worth every tear and pain. I am out of breath from the run, but I am breathing in grace.
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