Confession

I have a confession to make. I feel obligated to know the answers to every question regarding faith in God. I have been convinced that I must always be steady and strong. I have often times been the counselor, the "go to" girl, the one that prays for and with friends. So, what happens when the "go to" girl crumbles? What happens when she questions? What happens when she doesn't have the strength to believe on her own? What happens when she realizes it isn't possible for her to always be steady?

I feel this self spoken pressure to question carefully, or to never EVER ask a question that makes me seem like I doubt God's faithfulness. If I openly say that I don't understand something, or question God through tears of pain and bitterness, then I am not being a good witness for Him. Typing this out makes me feel a little foolish, and prideful. But if I have to be honest with myself and others to grow, then this is it.

I have been praying that God would show me His grace. I have been praying that I would begin to experience grace and know it fully. I don't want to simply read and accept. I want to know grace so much that it becomes a part of my life story.

A word of caution. If you pray to know grace, be prepared to feel miserable. I have been facing some pretty ugly realities. My heart has been broken into pieces over the deceit, manipulation, and anger I've seen in my tiny world view. My belief that humanity is innately good has been ripped out of me. The trust I used to put in people has been replaced with hesitation. I've looked inside of myself and noticed my own decay. Hopelessness. "How is this grace, God?!" I screamed this out to Him one day driving home from work in my car. As I cried I began to feel God's comfort wash over me and I calmed down in His presence. Nothing huge happened there in the car, at least nothing I could define. What happened was that God comforted me. I didn't get an answer to my brokenness, but God met me where I sat.

I'm beginning to remember God's promise through Jesus Christ. That promise is forgiveness. That promise is hope. I cling to that truth and it literally brings me to my knees. I'm brought to my knees because God loves us so much that while all of this horrible stuff in the world (and in our hearts) happens, God still meets us where we sit. He became human to know us. And friends, now we can know grace. Grace is Jesus. “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” Hebrews 12:2

How can God love a world that hates Him? How can He love a world that doesn't even know that it hates Him? We are so unaware of God's presence that we don't even know we are denying an Awesome Creator God. That is enough to break anyone's heart once they know God in an honest and real way.

God, is slowly restoring my heart. He is picking up the pieces and whispering new truths into my life. "So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view...therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:16 & 17 He is mending my heart with grace. So when it is finally put back together it might look a little messy. Some of the pieces might be unevenly put together and the edges may no longer be smooth, but grace will be running through the entire thing like glue. Grace will be what holds my heart together and what gives me fresh eyes to look upon this world. Grace is restoring my hope.

I am going to question. I'm going to be confused. I'm going to get angry and I'm going to cry, but in the midst of it all I'm going to be held by Grace. My prayer is that each day I will understand Christ more and more, and flourish in that freedom. Questioning, mistakes, and all!!