Bearing the Cross

"...and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:38-39

I was recently enlightened on what it means to "take up your cross." I never fully grasped what Jesus meant by bearing the cross. When I was younger I thought "taking up your cross" meant to carry your burdens with a good attitude. I suppose that is an interpretation that works in the "sort of" category, but I know it goes so much deeper.
I was sitting around a camp fire with a group of close friends and we read together from a devotional that explained "our cross," metaphorically speaking, is our flesh. Meaning, sin is the cross we bear. Therefore, I'm slowly coming to the understanding that taking up my cross means to bring glory to God by following Jesus Christ even in the midst of adversity, brokenness, confusion, and devastation. It makes sense because adversity, brokenness, etc. is the result of sin whether it be my own personal sin, the sin of the world, or a twisted combination of both.
So...what is the trick to carrying a cross? Oh, my favorite word (just kidding) submission.
So I asked myself, "What is it that I need to submit to Christ in order to bear my cross?" Like the second part of the verse says, I want to lose my life so I can find it. (That isn't confusing at all, right?!)
I came to the conclusion that (drum role please) I need to submit my selfishness to Christ before I can pick up anything and follow Him. Talk about a punch in the gut.

Submission kills the disease of selfishness and allows us to completely abandon ourselves to God. The tricky thing about selfishness, at least in my case, is that it disguises itself as victimization or humility. I've placed myself in these "humble" positions only to find that my heart had been facing a mirror instead of a window. All I could see was myself. This was me:

"Disregard the well being of others, what about ME?!"

I have known of my selfish tendencies for a long time, and God has truly been working in my heart. It hurts at first but I feel so FREE at the same moment. FREEDOM...ahh...what a sweet sweet word.
So...I'm thankful for the insight on what it means to bear the cross. It makes things a little more clear for me.

My Spirit Can't Be Crushed

Holy cow...this year has been a doozie. I've been reflecting on the past year and I feel like I've experienced a whole-lot-0-stress in this short 365 day period. It seems more like 3,650,000 days. I've experienced great change through graduating college, beginning an intense new job, family getting married, sickness taking over my body and mind, tension in relationships, the end of what I thought would be a "forever" relationship, and the death of my precious grandpa to mention a few. I'm surprised I am not out of tears.
In the midst of all the sickness, despair, death, and change I have been crying out to God and asking Him to make me more into His likeness. More of You and less of me, God. I've also been crying out in confusion. "God, when will it end? Why do I feel like the world is out to crush my spirit? I want to put my trust in you but it is hard, and I want to replace this burning anger with joy. I'm not sure I've known a moment without fear in so long."
Nights have been the worst. It is when I'm lying alone in my bed that lies from the Great Deceiver begin invading my thoughts.

LIES:

"You will always be alone."
"Why would anyone want to be with you when you don't even know who you are. You can't let people in until you get a grip."
"Just stop trying. You have nothing important to say. You are stupid and too much of a burden for anyone to care."
"You aren't really making a difference at The Christian Center. You are lazy and they deserve to have someone better in your position."
"Everyone you love will either leave you or die. Close your heart because you aren't strong enough to take that kind of pain again."

There have been many nights where my tears became like a blanket covering my body. As much as I wanted to surrender and believe those lies, I could feel this tug of war within my mind. I could sense God saying to me, "Enough. I know who you are. You are my Child. You are not alone. I've been with you this entire time and I'm sick of the Deceiver tricking you into these lies. Linds, it is going to hurt getting you away from His grip, but it is time. I have plans for you and nothing can be done when those lies are staining your thoughts. I am love and love is the opposite of fear. Trust me with your heart. I want you to sleep well my little girl."

How He loves me. How He loves us. I've realized this year that the tug of war over my life didn't begin last April. The war began long before I took my first breath. Letting go of insecurity and lies and sin has been more painful than the sickness. There are times when this Spiritual transformation seems like the death of me. And it is the death of me. It is the death of me and the start of new life in Christ. He has been my hope, my prayer, my next breath…He is my everything and I can say with all my heart that I don’t know what I would do without His love. The only reason I’m not eating tons of junk food while watching Ever After over and over again to escape into someone else’s love story is because I am living in my own story. He is the author of life and I will choose, even in the midst of the chaos, for Him to take the pen from my hands and write something beautiful. These verses below have been my strength. I hope you draw strength from them like I have this year. God loves you. I might not know the exact situation(s) you are going through, but I can tell you that HE LOVES YOU.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. . . Therefore WE DO NOT LOSE HEART. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 & 16-18

The Question

Have you ever questioned God’s promise through Jesus? Maybe you don’t question that Jesus was the Messiah and that He died on the cross and rose again, but maybe you have a hard time believing how personal Jesus’ death and resurrection is in your life. I recently talked with a friend who had a lot of questions. And when I say a lot of questions I mean it. Most nine year olds do.

I volunteer with a children’s program at my church on Wednesday’s when I get the chance. I have known this little girl, Jordan, for four years now and let me tell you she is one honest person! Her honesty is paired with an attitude that screams, “Shoot girl, I know I’m a diva okay, so step aside.” =0) Usually, this combination proves to be difficult, but last week my conversation with her left me praising God.

My friend Kristin asked me to talk with the kindergarten and 1st graders about journaling, what it means to me, and how it can be a way we communicate with God. Jordan, even though she is in 4th grade, decided to join us. I began to explain when we write in our journals we can ask/tell God anything in our hearts and He will hear us. Their goal was to write their thoughts about an Easter video we had just watched. It was about the disciples waiting for Jesus to rise from the dead. It was a great video that depicted the worry, sorrow, and tension that must have gone on in those three days of waiting.

As we sat there in a tight little circle, each of us writing away in our separate thoughts, Jordan asked me a question that left me speechless.

THE QUESTION:

Jordan: “Miss Lindsey, I get the whole Jesus had to die thing, but why would God allow Him to die in such a painful way? That seems so mean to me and I just don’t get this at all.”

My thoughts: “Oh. My. Goodness. Holy Spirit be my words.”

What do I say to that?! She just looked at me with her dark brown eyes searching for the answer on my face. Unfortunately for her all she saw was my mouth hanging open saying, “Umm…well…I…here’s the thing…umm.” Brilliant, I know.

Me: “Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Have you ever done something you know you shouldn’t do, but you do it anyway?”

Jordan: “Yeah. I shop lift all the time. I know it is wrong, but my friend taught me how to do it and I’ve done it with her a lot lately. I feel guilty each time though.”
(Remember that attitude I mentioned earlier…)

Me: “Well, Jesus died on the cross to pay for all the times we do something wrong. For example, every time you shop lift, and every time I judge somebody. That is why Jesus died the way He did because He loves us so much He took our place when we were deserving of the punishment. He loves you so much, Jordan. He doesn’t want you to do those things.”

Jordan: “Okay…I get it a little more I guess. I’m still confused but okay. Can I write God questions in my journal because I have a lot of them for Him.”

Me: “Yes! You can write Him as many questions as you would like. My journal is full of questions. The great thing is that when we write them down we can remember what we asked and when Jesus answers our questions we will remember to thank Him.”

Jordan: “Okay, wait a second. (Insert sassiness here) When Jesus answers our questions? What are you talkin’ about? How does He do that? Girl, we can’t hear Him, He is dead!”

Me: “Girl, what did you say?!” (Insert sassiness again) He is not dead at all! He is very much alive! He is alive in you and me. Did you fall asleep on the second half of that video we just watched? Jesus came back alive after three days! Can you believe it?! And yes, He went back in to heaven, but He gave us a gift called the Holy Spirit before He went away. The Holy Spirit lives in your heart if you ask and in mine too.”

Jordan: Oh, my goodness…okay…so how does He answer our questions? Through the Holy Spirit? And how do you hear the Holy Spirit?” (she said this as she let out a big sigh and brought her hand to her forehead in confusion.)

Me: “Yes you are right, He answers us through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit lives in your heart if you invite Him in. That little guilty feeling after shop lifting is a nudging from the Spirit. God can answer your questions through friends who have the Holy Spirit in them and through reading Scripture, through a song, and in nature. He is everywhere. That is why it is important to keep our hearts, minds, ears, and eyes open.”

Jordan: “In nature? Jesus speaks to you that way? How?”

Me: “Have you ever been stressed out because your friend doesn’t like you anymore or you hate school because you just don’t get what the teacher is telling you, but then you go outside and you see a flower or feel the sun on your face? How do you feel?”

Jordan: “Yeah I like going outside when bad stuff happens. I feel peaceful.”

Me: “Have you ever thought that the peaceful feeling is God calming you down because He loves you?”

Jordan: “Oh…(sounding more hopeful) okay, that makes sense.”

Me: “I know it can all be confusing Jordan. Keep praying and asking questions. Keep searching and remember, God wants to talk with you and He will do it in a lot of different ways. He might not answer the way you want to hear, or in your timing, but He will answer because He loves you.”

Wow. But the story gets better. Miss Kristin called us back into a big group to read the closing scripture for the evening. As she began to read, Jordan whipped her head around to look at me; eyes wide with excitement and a tone in her voice to match that beautiful expression she exclaimed, “MISS KRISTIN HAS THE HOLY SPIRIT IN HER!” The verse:

“For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that He was buried, that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.” 1 Corinthians 15:3-4

“Miss Lindsey, God just answered my question through Miss Kristin! That is why Jesus had to die for me the way He did! He died for my sins! I get it! Girl, you ain’t lyin’ when you tell me stuff like this!”

Hahaha!!! God is so good isn’t He? May we all learn to be honest like Jordan and ask questions. We can even throw in a little attitude. Just ask Jordan.

Prayer

Have you ever had an unexpected encounter with someone that changed you? I don't mean a quick interaction, but a real encounter. A time of meeting where you left saying to yourself, "What in the world just happened?!" I seem to have a lot of those. Some good, some bad, some awkward (which are my least favorite), but every once in a while I share a moment with someone that leaves me wide eyed and praising God. I would like to share with you one of those moments.

As a bit of background, I work at a place called The Christian Center. It is a men's homeless shelter whose mission is to "offer a transformed life in Christ to the Hungry, Hurting, and Homeless." I am the Volunteer Coordinator. I get the fun task of organizing groups to volunteer their time and to learn about homelessness. And when I say "fun" I mean it. No sarcasm whatsoever. I'm learning so much and feel so grateful to be there.

Okay, back to the story. (I'm changing the resident's name for confidentiality purposes) This is an excerpt from my journal from a few months back:

How humbling it is to know that God has chosen me, a broken and imperfect girl to share His love and grace with others. Tonight was an unforgettable and unexpected blessing. As I hurried down the stairs I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I needed to get done before Bible Study. It was an 11 hour work day and I had nothing on my mind except food and comfy clothes. Then, I saw John standing alone in front of the reception office smoking a cigarette. His hands were shaking slightly and his head was down. It was getting colder outside. He must have just gotten out of the health clinic. I said hello and he lifted his head very slowly. His eyes were glossy and sad. My heart sank a little from the look in those blue eyes. I asked him how he was doing.
"Not good," he said.
That is all he said at first. After a few moments he began to tell me how he had another seizure the night before. I did my best to convey to him that I understood he was feeling scared and hopeless. (nothing is worse than feeling hopeless AND alone) But as he talked sorrow filled his voice and I wasn't sure what to say. He said the seizures were going to kill him someday. He sounded sure of it. Then it grew silent. I was speechless. My heart cried out to God for words. What could I say?!
He continued and said he knew life wasn't about being wealthy. He turned around to face The Christian Center and with a disgusted tone in his voice said, "I want so much more than this!"
Again...silence.
I felt a nudge inside of me telling me to pray with John, so before I lost courage I asked if I could pray with him. Surprisingly he let out a sigh of relief and said, "yeah."
As soon as he said yes, another resident walked by and I asked if he would like to join us. So...right there on the street corner, we huddled close with arms around one another and I began to pray. I prayed that John would have a peace in his heart that surpassed his understanding and that he would begin to seek and find God. I thanked God for John and I also prayed for his granddaughter because he asked me to before we began praying. When I said amen I fully expected John to say thank you and leave. During the prayer I could feel his sobs as he tried to hold them inside; but instead, John began to pray. He told God he had never prayed out loud and he didn't know how. He asked God to be with him. My heart smiled when he said amen.
He went on to say that he didn't feel like he could ever accept God. When I asked him why he felt that way he said it was because he had done so many horrible things and he could never be perfect.
I put my hand on his arm and said, "Oh John, no one can ever be perfect. I love Jesus and He loves me, but I'm far from perfect. I'm selfish, I say things better left unsaid, and I struggle with countless temptations, but His grace covers all of that."
He shook his head as if to dismiss it but I said, "It is like this, when you have dirty laundry you go to the laundry mat. You don't go with clean clothes. You go with dirty clothes and then you wash them, but eventually you go back with more dirty clothes. We as people are dirty and we can come just as we are to God. He washes us clean and we are brand new. But we are imperfect people and we come back to him with more dirt. God doesn't expect us to be perfect, but he does desire for us to be better. He wants us to live in love and leave our sin, but it is only by his strength that we can do that."
He looked me in the eyes and said, "Thank you for taking the time to stop and pray with me. You always ask me how I'm doing. Thank you."
He began to cry again and he said, "Lindsey, I know you have to protect yourself around here more than the other employees because you are a woman and things, so when I ask you this I don't mean disrespect, but please...I just...I need someone to hug."
He was crying even harder. I began to get teary eyed, and I hugged him. It was brief, but he hugged me tight and said, "Thank you."
He walked me to my car and told me to be careful. I watched him walk away as I drove off and my heart broke for him. I began to cry and prayed to God on his behalf.

My encounter with John changed me. I learned compassion and the power of prayer. My encounter with John was an encounter with the God that created him and me.
I continue to pray for John. Since our conversation he has left The Christian Center, and I'm not exactly sure the reason. All I know is that I won't stop praying because God has taught me the power of prayer through people like John. I think it is so cool that even though John had never even prayed out loud, God used him to change my heart. Praise be to a God whose love and peace truly does surpass our understanding.

New Beginnings

I suppose if I have to title each post I would title this one "New Beginnings." While I have been journaling for years this is the first time I have tried blogging. God has taught me a lot about myself and Himself through the discipline of writing my prayers, thoughts, concerns, and even sometimes grocery lists.(Sounds weird, but just trust me.) I looked up at my bookshelf the other day and realized that half the books I own are the books I've written! The first page of each of my journals is titled "New Beginnings" because in a way it symbolizes a new chapter in my life.
I pulled out a journal from my sophomore year of college and began reading about the joys, fears, heart break, confusion, praises, and so on that I so carefully documented. I read of the way God faithfully brought me through my every day, and I began to think, "I need to share this with as many people as possible!"
With all this said, the goal of this blog isn't to impress people with my amazing writing skills or dazzle others with my extensive vocabulary; but, I do hope to encourage whoever may be reading this to know that new beginnings are for each of us. God's mercy is new EVERY MORNING and He loves us with a love I'm doing my best to understand. May the crazy thoughts I seem to have encourage you and bless you as we continue to serve, love, and pray. Yay for new beginnings!